From time to time, we all need to step back and evaluate. Our lives are often busy and hectic, and we can move from one crazy season to the next without giving attention to our life rhythms or the direction we are moving. There are several encouragements or commands in the Bible that teach us to intentionally evaluate our lives.

“Consider your ways.” (Haggai 1:5)
When the people of God had wandered in their relationship with Him, God rebuked them through the prophet Haggai, telling them to consider their ways.

“Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. (1 Timothy 4:16)
The apostle Paul told Timothy to keep a close watch on himself. I believe all of us would be wise to heed that command.

“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)
Peter tells Christians to be sober-minded and watchful. We are more easily devoured and led astray by our enemy when we are not considering our ways or our adversary’s ways.

I know people that love new year’s resolutions (and some who despise them), while some prefer to choose a word or a theme for the new year. I’ve done each of these and have benefitted from both. However, what has been most helpful for me is to have a rhythm of evaluating my life, and the new year provides a great time for that. My current rhythm is doing bigger evaluations around the new year and in June/July and then doing mini-evaluations on a monthly basis.

I want to share some questions that have been helpful in this rhythm. My hope is that if you do not have a rhythm of considering your ways, this may provide a starting place. I’d encourage you to set aside a few hours or a half day to prayerfully consider the following questions.

1. In what ways have I grown or become more healthy over the last year? 
It is important to reflect on wins and growth, which often leads to prayers of thanksgiving.

2. Which area of health do I most need to prioritize? 
Spiritual health, emotional/mental health, physical health, financial health, relational health (marriage, parenting, friends, family)? These areas have overlap and impact each other, but it has been helpful for me to have categories to think through.

3. What’s one thing I could change that would improve our family life? 
What are areas of frustration in family life? What's robbing your family joy? Does it have to do with becoming less busy, being less glued to the phone, working on communication, being intentional to rest and play, etc.?

4. What conversations do I want or need to start with my child based on their current age and level of development? 
Conversations about pornography, puberty, sex, gender issues, dating and relationships, financial stewardship? I'd rather these topics be ongoing conversations in the home rather than becoming off-limits topics. Our kids will learn about these issues, and I'd prefer their first exposure be from parents or church rather than from the internet or peers.

5. Is there any unresolved conflict in my life? If so, have I truly done everything I can do to be at peace?
The scriptures have a lot to say about conflict (Matthew 5:21-26; Matthew 18:15-20; Romans 12:14-21). Many of us are quite conflict avoidant, so we need to make intentional decisions to engage in healthy ways rather than subconsciously “sweeping it under the rug”.

6. On which spiritual discipline do I most want to make progress? 
Bible reading, in-depth bible study, scripture memory and meditation, fasting, prayer, consistently gathering with the church in larger and smaller groups, evangelism, serving, giving, silence and solitude, rest and sabbath? Remember, excelling in the disciplines do not make God love you more, but they do help you to experience His love and love Him more fully. 

7. What one biblical doctrine do I most desire to understand better by the end of this year, and what can I do about it?
There may be many, but picking one to begin studying may be the best way to get started. In the past I've chosen spiritual gifts, God's love, and others that have helped me to choose what to read and study.

8. What one thing could I do to most improve my prayer life this year?
It may be having a designated time and place to pray rather than only praying on the go. It may be writing prayers as well as praying throughout the day. If you haven’t been attending your church’s corporate prayer meetings, which we call Encounter at Sojourn, that’s a great place to start.

9. What’s a prayer I want to consistently pray in this next season that is impossible unless God does it?
Over and over in the scriptures we see the phrase "but God ...". Nothing is impossible with God! This may be praying for a specific person to be saved through faith in Christ or for you to overcome a long term sin struggle.

10. Is there a sinful habit/pattern I have that I've been seeking to manage rather than seeking to put to death? 
It may be pornography, dependence on alcohol or another substance, gossip, unforgiveness, financial dealings that lack integrity, etc.
(Colossians 3:5) Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.
(Romans 13:14) But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. 

11. What is a helpful new way I can strengthen my church? 
You may think of a new way you can strengthen the church or simply to re-commit to ways you are already seeking to build up the church. Some ways may require increased time or resources, which you may have. However, some ideas will only require courage and intentionality. For example, you may decide to be intentional about showing up a few minutes earlier and meeting someone new each time the church gathers.

12. What’s one way I can bless those who minister to me? 
I only have 10 years of pastoral experience, but I can tell you that most pastors and ministry leaders receive complaints, advice, and criticism rather frequently. I’ve known of several pastors who have resigned or come close to resigning over the last few years, not because they sensed a change in their calling, but because of burnout or just wanting to be done. What is one specific way you can intentionally build up your pastors, ministry leaders, community group leaders and hosts, or anyone else who ministers to you?

13. What is my most important financial goal, and what is the most important step I can take towards meeting it? 
Does it have to do with budgeting, reducing debt, giving to your church, saving for something important, or pursuing an additional income source? Considering this question a few years ago led my wife and I to begin saving a little each month so we will be able, Lord willing, to take each of our kids on a one-on-one trip around their 13th birthday. If you’d like some help thinking through a financial issue, don’t forget about Sojourn’s financial coaching ministry (https://www.sojournchurch.net/financial-coaching).

14. Has my income changed? If so, how will it impact my giving to my church and other gospel causes?
An increase in income may not be to improve only your standard of living, but your standard of giving as well.

15. What skill do I most want to learn or improve in this year?
It may be a hobby or something related to your work.

16. What is the biggest time-waster in my life right now, and how do I desire to change in this area?
Don’t only think about what you will quit doing, but also consider what you will be able to do with the time you free up. Be aware that escape and rest are not the same. True refueling rest is not a time-wasting activity, but compulsive escaping activities are.

17. What area of my life most needs simplifying, and what’s one way I can simplify that area? 
I want to intentionally promote my core values by removing what distracts me from those values. The long marathon of simplifying your life begins with the first step. What might that step be?

18. What am I doing that I can stop doing so that I can devote more time, money, and attention towards the things that matter most? What is my family doing that we should stop doing?
Again, discontinuing something allows us to give more to what matters most.

19. What’s one thing I can begin doing this year that will matter the most in 10 years? In eternity?
Considering this question years back led me to start scheduling focused one-on-one time with one of my kids once per month. Not only is it a highlight of my month, but I am hopeful it will be an investment that bears fruit for decades to come. Let’s not let the tyranny of the urgent cause us to neglect practices that could have great long-term impact.

20. Am I content with my general physical health? If not, what are 1 or 2 changes I could make that would have a positive impact? 
Of course this may have to do with considering your diet and exercise, but it also may have to do with finding a primary care doctor, doing medical checkups, drinking more water, sleeping habits, etc.

21. What habit would I most like to establish this year?
What action, if it became ingrained into your daily, weekly, or monthly routine, would increase your joy and bless those around you?

22. What is the most important decision I need to make?
Is there a decision you are not being forced to make, but it would be wise to make? Is there a decision you have been putting off that is causing you anxiety and draining your energy?  

23. What is the most significant way I hope this year is different from last year, and what is my part to play in making it different? 
Much of what happens is out of our control, but our prayers, decisions, plans, and pursuits matter.

24. What are some one time actions I will take or one time decisions I will make this year based on the questions above?
Some changes require consistent focus and working through a process. However, sometimes we just need to make a decision or do a specific task we have been putting off and it makes a big different. Based on your reflections above, are there any one-time tasks you can complete or decisions that you can make to help set you up to move forward?

25. What are my 1 to 3 biggest focuses for this next season?
For most of us, focusing on only a few things is more effective than trying to do everything, so don’t think that you must implement something from each of the questions above. Consider and pray about a few things from above that you can seek to implement to move in a healthy direction. May the Holy Spirit give you wisdom and discernment as you consider.

If these questions were helpful, I hope you will return to them on a regular basis. Most of the questions are not original to me. Feel free to throw away the questions that don’t seem helpful and tweak or keep the ones that do. May the Lord help us to live joyful and intentional lives that bless our families, our churches, and the world around us as we seek to consider our ways.


* Many of the origins of these thoughts and questions were from Don Whitney’s articles entitled “10 Questions to Ask at the Start of a New Year” and “Ten (More) Questions for a New Year”.

Dear Sojourn Family,

I wanted to sit down and digest the summer with you and reflect on the wonderful gift that my family received in the sabbatical. I view this as somewhat of a memoir of the past few months of my life. So, I’m just gonna kick back and let my fingers relay what my heart feels and all the rabbit trails that my mind feels like chasing. I typically prefer to chase them all. So many epic adventures happen traveling down rabbit trails. Like this rabbit trail for instance. I am literally following a rabbit trail that is about rabbit trails. This should be fun. Let’s get into it.

First of all, I want to express how thankful and how honored I feel to have the opportunity to take a sabbatical. Honestly, I’ve never been in a church before where this happened. For us as a family, this was a first time experience. This was uncharted territory. It was such a unique gift. I started leading worship as a 14 year old in our FCA group at school and in the band at church. For the last 26 years I’ve basically been in a role of weekly leading worship in churches and ministries. This summer was really the first time I’ve ever taken a long break from it. Also, I don’t think there has been a three month season where I’ve been around Meghan and the kids as much as I was able to this summer. During normal life, I’m always leaving for work or leaving for meetings or leaving to visit people. It’s a lot of leaving, so it was really special to take a long season to just be. No appointments. No obligations. No work. Nowhere to be. Full disclosure, though – I was a little worried that my family wouldn’t be as impressed with me after they experienced an entire summer completely saturated in my presence. Thankfully as I write this today, they still love me and appreciate me being around. Crisis averted.

While I’m thinking about it, please allow me to throw out some heartfelt thank you’s. To all the pastors, the staff team, and members of Sojourn who took on more responsibility so that I could pull away and rest with my family, I want to express insane amounts of gratitude. Thank you so much.  I’m thankful to be a part of a church family that is so willing to serve and shoulder the load. I’m also thankful to be a part of a church that can exist when pastors are not present. The pastors aren’t the lifeblood of Sojourn Church, Jesus is. This is His church and I’m thankful to be a part of this family with you.

We don’t travel much. Not that we’re against the idea, but it’s just never been our thing. As we learn and grow with our little man J.R. in the world of autism, the idea of traveling through long car rides or plane rides or boat rides to unfamiliar places is typically a recipe to turn our world upside down. However, this summer, through the systematic and calculated efforts of my beautiful Meghan, we (mostly she) came up with a plan to go try some stuff. It’s not often that we get a season like this with three months at our discretion. Honestly, it kind of felt like I was a 10 year old kid again. You remember back in the day when we used to get those really long summer breaks? I was energized with the excitement of a preteen but in reality I was a 40 year old man taking cholesterol medicine and often visiting the chiropractor while belting out “School’s Out For The Summer” with Alice Cooper. It was a strange but electric feeling.

“Dollywood Or Bust!!” We never broke out the shoe polish to christen the back windshield of our Chevy Traverse, but we took off to Sevierville, TN in a blaze of glory. With Dolly’s greatest hits slapping in the car speakers we headed to the homeplace of the lady who inspired Jolene’s name. Of course, as I looked in the rearview mirror I could see Samiah and Christiana slowly slip ear buds into their ears and drift off to a land where Wande, Ed Sheeran, and Taylor Swift fill their worlds with wonderful music. What can you say? We love music and music of all kinds. It’s also been such a joy of mine to trade music suggestions with my daughters. We get to introduce each other to so many different artists. It’s truly become one of my favorite pastimes with them in the car. Dollywood treated us well, however I made a crucial mistake in the themepark that I may never live down. I didn’t do any research, per usual. Samiah and Christiana haven’t been on many roller coasters and Jolene had never ridden one in her life. Guess who took them on the Lightning Rod – a nationally ranked roller coaster reaching 70+mph with a death defying drop of 165 feet? Yep, this guy. Even worse, it was the first roller coaster we tried that day. We literally transitioned from the bumper cars to one of the scariest rides in America. Direct quote from Jolene as the coaster mercilessly came to a stop, “That was terrible!!!” Something should have registered in my mind when the theme park employees made us read the safety warning before boarding the ride. But it didn’t. Yep, Father Of The Year.

During the summer, we also got the opportunity to spend significant time with family over weekends and on the beautiful beaches of the pan handle. There’s few things greater than being on the beach with your family playing in the sand, splashing in the waves, catching fish, and just soaking in the sun. When I have a rod in my hand in the ocean I just come alive. Nothing makes you feel wild like catching sharks in the surf and frying them up for supper. There’s just something about being a man and eating a man-eater. I know that way of flawed thinking is a byproduct of the 1975 Jaws propaganda but it gives me a rush nonetheless. We love the forgotten beaches of the rural pan handle. I mean, who wants to relax and play on the beach with 75,000 strangers. You can have Panama City and Daytona. Give me those misbegotten, desolate beaches where you don’t even have to watch your kids. There’s just nobody there. Just like God intended. We were so grateful to get to spend a couple of weeks at the beach.

There was nothing more wild this summer than my excursion down the Ocmulgee River. I had been dreaming about doing this for years. A couple of friends and I loaded up into canoes at the Amerson Water Park in Macon and four days later got picked up at the bridge on highway 96. It was beyond epic. Being on the Ocmulgee River for that many hours and days in a row was so incredible. It was like a healing balm for the soul in many ways. None of us had ever been down the river like this so it was a "learn as we go" and "we'll find out when we found out" type of adventure. We experienced cows venturing into the campsite in the middle of the night sniffing the tarp covering my hammock. I mean, this behemoth was so close I could hear the wind vibrating the walls of its nostrils as he sniffed me out. I was worried he was going to pull my tarp off like a vacuum hose sucking up a plastic candy wrapper. We cruised passed countless alligators as we slowly paddled downstream. Once the wind blew the nose of my canoe into an overhanging wasp nest and I was forced to jump into the river with an alligator that just entered the water. No big deal. Just pretending to be Middle Georgia's version of Steve Irwin over here. We hung our hammocks over freshly rooted hog sign and tried to sleep peacefully with pistols in our bathing suite pockets. It was so wild. We were in the elements. We were living the adventure.

During our sabbatical we also took the opportunity to prioritize our emotional and spiritual health through counseling. For the six of us, we logged several hours meeting with counselors and therapists. This was beneficial for all of us, but particularly beneficial for me personally. When I entered sabbatical I was pretty exhausted. I tend to connect and empathize with people’s pain and trauma on a very high level. It’s something God has gifted me to do and I am honored to do it. Nothing makes me feel more connected to someone than climbing down into the ditch of their suffering and sitting there with them trying to hold onto hope. With that being said, my heart and soul had logged a lot of mileage leading up to the summer. I was coasting on fumes and felt somewhat hollowed out. My struggles with anxiety heightened greatly at the onset of the sabbatical, making it difficult to sleep and settle down. I was so grateful that I had the time to slow down, work with a counselor, and let Jesus replenish my tank.

One of the ways I slowed down and refueled over the summer was to log countless hours on my front porch. There in the suffocating heat, surrounded by 70 year old red oaks, I sat there like a Mayberry Sunday afternoon and read books, breathed fresh air, talked to Jesus out loud, listened to the blue jays alert the woods, watched the sun warm the dew on the pasture grass, watched the red tail hawks coast across the clearing scouting out their next meal, and things like that.

The Lord spoke to me so specifically through Dane Ortlund’s book Gentle and Lowly. This is a book about the heart of Christ. At the end of it, I literally sat back in the rocking chair and said these words audibly, “I think I’m finally convinced that God actually loves me.” I was overwhelmed with the love of God and it was completely unattached to any efforts to prove myself to Him as someone who was worthy of His love. This was one of those “sweeter than honey from the honeycomb” moments that David talked about in the psalms. Those are rare occasions but I’m so thankful to have experienced one. On that hot, sweaty porch I also read the biographies of Crazy Horse and Dave Grohl. Native American heritage is incredibly special to me and I am so inspired by much of their way of life. Also, as a music man, reading Dave Grohl’s first person account of how Nirvana took over the world back in the 90’s was pure gold. I’ll never forget hearing “Smells Like Teen Spirit” for the first time in middle school. It was like a portal to a new sonic dimension instantly opened up in the atmosphere. It was incredible. If only the kids these days who buy the Nirvana shirts at Target knew about how epic of a time that was. But they won’t. They typically can’t name two Nirvana songs. Shame.

I truly feel rested coming off of this sabbatical. Like truly. Rest came pouring in from so many directions: date nights with Meghan, movie nights with the kids, the front porch sanctuary, catching bass with friends, grilling steaks with friends, staring at the stars at night and often spotting Elon’s satellites, reading good books, slowing down to hear the Lord’s voice, listening to the song of nature, enjoying long conversations with Meghan, spending countless hours feeling the vibrations of the diesel tractor pulse through my body, carefully slicing fillets from the wings of a stingray to feed our family at the beach, walking in the field barefoot feeling connected and grounded by the cool grass, picking wild blackberries while the thorns scar my forearms and fingers, listening to the coyotes call role after the sun sets behind the trees, and on and on and on. I truly had the opportunity to stop and to smell all of the roses. Every last one of them.  

It was so good to not be needed. In one way it was good to not be needed so that I could take a break and rest. In another way it was good to not be needed so that the Lord could reassure me that the church rests upon His shoulders and not mine. My shoulders are weak and are not fit to carry a church. Plus they’re typically sunburned and sweaty. Not the place a church would want to sit anyways.

All this to say, thank you Sojourn Church. You gave my family a great gift and we are better for it. We are so glad to be back in the mix with our church family. We cherish the Sunday gatherings with all of you. We thrive off the local community we have with the Sojourn folks in the Byron Posse. It was good to be gone and it’s good to be back.

On behalf of my family, we love you very much.


Josh


P.S. If you’re still reading this you deserve some type of award for your perseverance. I’d love to take you out to lunch. Either that or just give you a hug. On second thought, let’s just go with the hug. Much more economical.

From time to time, we all need to step back and evaluate. Our lives are often busy and hectic, so we can sometimes move from one crazy season to the next without giving attention to our life rhythms or the direction we are moving. There are several encouragements or commands in the Bible that teach us to intentionally evaluate our lives.

“Consider your ways.” - Haggai 1:5
When the people of God had wandered in their relationship with Him, God rebuked them through the prophet Haggai, telling them to consider their ways.

“Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. - 1 Timothy 4:16
The apostle Paul told Timothy to keep a close watch on himself. I believe all of us would be wise to heed that command.

“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” - 1 Pe 5:8.
Peter tells Christians to be sober-minded and watchful. We are more easily devoured and led astray by our enemy when we are not considering our ways or our adversary’s ways.

I know people that love new year’s resolutions (and some that despise them), while some prefer to choose a word or a theme for the new year. I’ve done each of these and have benefitted from them. However, what has been most helpful for me is to have a rhythm of evaluating my life, and the new year provides a great time for that. My current rhythm is doing an evaluation around the new year and in June/July.

I want to share some questions that have been helpful in this rhythm. I’ve changed them over the years and constantly tweak them. My hope is that if you do not have a rhythm of considering your ways, this may provide a starting place. I’d encourage you to set aside a half day or even two hours to prayerfully consider the following questions.

1. In what ways have I grown or become more healthy over the last year? 
It is important to reflect on wins and growth, which often leads to prayers of thanksgiving.

2. Which area of health do I most need to prioritize? 
Spiritual health, emotional or mental health, physical health, financial health, relational health (marriage, parenting, friends, family)? These areas have overlap and impact each other, but it has been helpful for me to have categories to think through.

3. What’s one thing we could change that would improve our family life? 
What are areas of frustration? What's robbing your family joy?

4. What conversations do I want or need to start with my child based on their current age and level of development? 
Conversations about pornography, puberty, sex, gender issues, dating and relationships, financial stewardship? I'd rather these topics be ongoing conversations in the home rather than becoming off-limits topics. Our kids will learn about these issues, and I'd prefer their first exposure be from parents or church rather than from the internet or peers.

5. On which spiritual discipline do I most want to make progress? 
Bible reading, in-depth bible study, scripture memory and meditation, fasting, prayer, consistently gathering with the church in larger and smaller groups, evangelism, serving, giving, silence and solitude, rest and sabbath? Remember, excelling in the disciplines do not make God love you more, but they do help you to experience His love and love Him more fully. 

6. What is a helpful new way I can strengthen my church? 
How can your church be stronger and healthier because you participate? Some ways may require increased time or resources, which you may have. However, some ideas will only require courage and intentionality. For example, you may decide to be intentional about meeting someone new each time the church gathers.

7. What’s one way I can bless those who minister to me? 
I only have 8 years of pastoral experience, but I can tell you that most pastors and ministry leaders receive complaints, advice, and criticism rather frequently. I’ve known of several pastors who have resigned or come close to resigning over the last few years, not because they sensed a change in their calling, but because of burnout or just wanting to be done. What is one specific way you can intentionally build up your pastors, ministry leaders, community group leaders and hosts, or anyone else who ministers to you?

8. What is my most important financial goal, and what is the most important step I can take towards meeting it? 
Does it have to do with budgeting, reducing debt, giving to your church, saving for something important, or pursuing an additional income source? Considering this question a few years ago led my wife and I to begin saving a little each month so we will be able, Lord willing, to take each of our kids on a one-on-one trip around their 13th birthday. If you’d like some help thinking through a financial issue, don’t forget about Sojourn’s financial coaching ministry (https://www.sojournchurch.net/financial-coaching).

9. Has my income changed? If so, how will it impact my giving to my church and other gospel causes?
An increase in income may not be to improve only your standard of living, but it could be to increase your standard of giving as well.

10. Is there any unresolved conflict in my life? If so, have I truly done everything I can do to be at peace?
The scriptures have a lot to say about conflict (Matthew 5:21-26; Matthew 18:15-20; Romans 12:14-21). Many of us are quite conflict avoidant, so we need to make intentional decisions to engage in healthy ways rather than subconsciously “sweeping it under the rug”.

11. What skill do I most want to learn or improve in this year?
It may be a hobby or something related to your work.

12. What one biblical doctrine do I most desire to understand better by the end of this year, and what can I do about it?
There may be many, but picking one to begin studying may be the best way to get started. In the past I've chosen spiritual gifts, God's love, and others that have helped me to choose what to read and study.

13. What one thing could I do to most improve my prayer life this year?
It may be having a designated time and place to pray rather than only praying on the go. For some, learning to pray scripture may be a great step. If you haven’t been attending your church’s corporate prayer meetings, which we call Encounter at Sojourn, that’s a great place to start.

14. What’s a prayer I want to consistently pray in this next season that is impossible unless God does it?
Over and over in the scriptures we see the phrase "but God ...". Nothing is impossible with God!

15. What is the biggest time-waster in my life right now, and how do I desire to change in this area?
Don’t only think about what you will quit doing, but also consider what you will be able to do with the time you free up. Be aware that escape and rest are not the same. Also, true refueling rest is not a time-wasting activity, but compulsive escaping activities normally are.

16. What area of my life most needs simplifying, and what’s one way I can simplify that area?
I want to intentionally promote my core values by removing what distracts me from those values. The long marathon of simplifying your life begins with the first step. What might that step be?

17. What am I doing that I can stop doing so that I can devote more time, money, and attention towards the things that matter most? What is my family doing that we should stop doing?
Again, discontinuing something allows us to give more to what matters most.

18. What’s one thing I can begin doing this year that will matter the most in 10 years? In eternity?
Considering this question years back led me to start scheduling focused one-on-one time with one of my kids once per month. Not only is it a highlight of my month, but I am hopeful it will be an investment that bears fruit for decades to come. Let’s not let the tyranny of the urgent cause us to neglect practices that could have great long-term impact.

19. What habit would I most like to establish this year?
What action, if it became ingrained into your daily, weekly, or monthly routine, would increase your joy and bless those around you?

20. What is the most important decision I need to make?
Is there a decision you are not being forced to make, but it would be wise to make? This decision may or may not be connected to something you considered from a previous question.

21. What is the most significant way I hope this year is different from last year, and what is my part to play in making it different? 
Much of what happens is out of our control, but our prayers, decisions, plans, and pursuits matter.

For most of us, focusing on only a few things is more effective than trying to do everything, so don’t think that you must implement something from each of these questions. I’d encourage you to consider and pray about one or a few things that you can seek to implement to move in a healthy direction. For this reason, the last several questions seek to help narrow focus to what seems most important. May the Holy Spirit gives you wisdom and discernment as you consider.

If these questions were helpful, I hope you will return to them on a regular basis. Most of the questions are not original to me. Feel free to throw away the questions that don’t seem helpful and tweak or keep the ones that do. May the Lord help us to live joyful and intentional lives that bless our families, our churches, and the world around us as we seek to consider our ways.


* Many of the origins of these thoughts and questions were from Don Whitney’s articles entitled “10 Questions to Ask at the Start of a New Year” and “Ten (More) Questions for a New Year”.

This Sunday you will notice two changes having to do with communion, also called The Lord’s Supper. First, we will begin taking communion corporately, rather than individually or as families. If you have been to Encounter, it will be similar to how we do it at Encounter. Secondly, we will offer wine and grape juice along with gluten free bread. Yes, you read that correctly. We will not have the difficult to open pre-packaged styrofoam bread packets!

Why are we beginning to offer wine? 

In 1869 a British-American Methodist Minister by the name of Thomas Bramwell Welch developed what he called “unfermented wine.” He did so by applying the pasteurization process to grape juice, which stopped the natural fermentation process of the grapes. The result became what we know of as Welch’s Grape Juice.

Throughout most of American and world history, the communion drink was wine rather than grape juice. It seems that many American churches shifted from wine to grape juice after Welch’s development, along with the prohibition-era contempt for alcoholic beverages.

I am not going to seek to give a comprehensive teaching on wine in the Bible, but I do want to provide some reasons we are going to begin offering wine during communion at Sojourn.

Wine in the Bible

The Bible is filled with positive things to say about wine, and it is filled with warnings against drunkenness. Wine is a gift of God, but like other gifts of God, can be abused. If you’d like to hear more about what the Bible teaches about alcohol in general, you can find the most recent sermon we preached on it HERE.

Psalm 104:14–15
You cause the grass to grow for the livestock
and plants for man to cultivate,
that he may bring forth food from the earth
and wine to gladden the heart of man,
oil to make his face shine
and bread to strengthen man’s heart.

Joel 3:18
“And in that day
the mountains shall drip sweet wine,
and the hills shall flow with milk,
and all the streambeds of Judah
shall flow with water;
and a fountain shall come forth from the house of the LORD
and water the Valley of Shittim.
 
Other helpful verses include Deuteronomy 14:23, Proverbs 20:1, Proverbs 23:31, Isaiah 5:11, Joel 3:18, John 2:1-12, Galatians 5:21, Ephesians 5:18, and 1 Peter 4:3-4.
 
Wine at the Last Supper

It seems clear that Jesus served his disciples wine at the Last Supper, which was the original communion. The gospels teach that the Last Supper was a Passover meal, and wine was the drink used in the Passover meal. Jesus said, “For I tell you that from now on I will not drink of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes” (Lk 22:18). This leads us to believe that wine was the drink he had used in the institution of the Lord’s Supper. It seems wise and best to offer the same elements in the Lord’s Supper that Jesus used when he originated it.

Wine as a Symbol

Wine is a symbol of celebration and gladness. Psalm 104:14-15 and Joel 3:18 (above) show that wine is a gift of God for gladness and celebration. Psalm 104 specifically says that God gives wine to “gladden the heart of man.” Wine was used at the Passover meal, which was a celebration for God’s deliverance of His people from Egypt. Again, at the Last Supper Jesus said that from now on he “will not drink of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes,” which indicates that wine will be part of the celebration of our salvation. It seems good and best that wine is used in communion as a symbol of celebration and gladness that Christ’s death on the cross brings.

Wine is also a symbol of God’s judgment and wrath throughout the scriptures.

Psalm 75:8
For in the hand of the LORD there is a cup
with foaming wine, well mixed,
and he pours out from it,
and all the wicked of the earth
shall drain it down to the dregs.
 
Isaiah 51:17
Wake yourself, wake yourself,
stand up, O Jerusalem,
you who have drunk from the hand of the LORD
the cup of his wrath,
who have drunk to the dregs
the bowl, the cup of staggering.
 
Matthew 26:39, 42
And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” … Again, for the second time, he went away and prayed, “My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done.”
 
For the symbolism of judgment and wrath, also see Isaiah 19:14, Isaiah 51:21-22, Jeremiah 25:15-29, Ezekiel 23:31-34, Revelation 16:19, and Matthew 20:22-23.
 
When Jesus uses wine at the Last Supper to represent his death, it seems he is connecting it with the cup of wine (God’s wrath) He was to drink on the cross. It reminds us of the cup of wrath he drank for us, that we may drink the cup of forgiveness and gladness.
 
The cup in the Lord’s Supper can symbolize for us celebration and gladness. It also reminds us of the wrath he endured in our place.
 
So, we plan to begin serving wine for communion, as it seems to be in line with scripture and the historical practice of the church.
 
What about those who struggle with addiction to alcohol?

We will continue to also serve grape juice. One of the main reasons we will do this is because it may not be wise for some to drink wine. If you struggle with addiction to alcohol, there is no pressure at all to drink wine. Although we believe it is good to serve wine due to the symbolism in the scripture and the historic practice of the universal church, we do not believe grape juice is a meaningless or bad beverage to use. It still has a color that makes us think about the blood of Christ and is from the same fruit.
 
What about those with weaker consciences?

Scripture is clear that we should accommodate those with weaker consciences when it comes to non-essential matters or matters of personal conviction. Those with stronger consciences are not to encourage or pressure those with weaker consciences to go against their conscience. Those with weaker consciences are not to judge or condemn those with stronger consciences. You can learn more about this in Romans 14.
 
We also need to keep in mind that Jesus himself originated the practice of communion with wine. Even still, if drinking wine in communion would burden your conscience, we encourage you to partake of the juice as you continue to wrestle with what is most biblical and wisest for you.
 
What about the kids?

Many Christians throughout history have allowed their children to celebrate communion, and passover before that, with them by drinking wine. They have found the benefits of using the bread and wine to outweigh concerns associated with minors consuming alcohol. Also, in the state of Georgia, it is legal for minors to consume alcohol in a religious worship service.
 
That being said, another reason we will continue to provide juice is for parents that desire their children to participate in communion but do not believe it best for them to drink alcohol at their age and maturity level.

This Sunday
 
So, we are looking forward to taking corporate communion during our service this Sunday. You can grab the elements during the service, or if you prefer you can grab them as you enter before finding your seat. The wine and the juice will be clearly labeled. All of the bread will be gluten free. We hope and pray that taking communion together when we gather will be worshipful for Christians as they participate. We also hope and pray that people who are not Christians will gain a deeper understanding of the gospel through watching believers take communion together. After all, Paul wrote, “For as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes” (1 Corinthians 11:26).

If you’ve been around Sojourn for any length of time, you’ve heard us talk A LOT about community groups. Every February and August we seek to launch new groups. Throughout the year we are actively trying to get new people plugged into existing groups. Groups here. Groups there. Groups this. Groups that. Groups. Groups. Groups. What’s the point of all these groups?

Full disclosure: community groups ain’t all that. Community groups are not the ultimate goal. They’re not the prize. Community groups are simply a vehicle we use to journey towards the destination of our goal. The groups are basically a tool. An instrument. What’s the goal? Community. Authentic community. The goal is to see people connecting with people in real relationships where they can be encouraged, built up, healed up, challenged, sought after, brought back, brought in, and restored. The goal is to see people creating safe environments where they can be authentic, take off their masks, talk about deep issues, and work through real pain together. The goal is to see people in relationships where they can rejoice and celebrate together when life is at its best. The goal is to see people walking together through the mundane routines of day-to-day life. The goal is to see people going deeper in their relationship with each other and deeper in their relationship with Jesus. The goal is community. Authentic community. Real relationships.

So let’s get personal. Who are the people you share your joys, pains, and average days with? Who are you calling when you get the promotion you’ve been hoping for? Who’s in the text thread you run to when depression and anxiety leave you crippled at your wits end and you need somebody to talk to? Who’s in your Marco Polo video chat when you’re needing to share about the stresses of raising children? Who are you emailing when God speaks to you and you just want to share it with somebody? Who are you meeting with over a good cup of coffee to talk about your relationship with Jesus? Who are you praying with? Who are you laughing with? Who are you breaking bread with around your dinner table? Who are you sitting around fire pits with? Whose birthdays are you celebrating? Who are you hanging with? Are you experiencing gospel community?

If you’re reading this and your mind is immediately picturing all the faces that you are sharing your life with, then pause for a moment and thank God. Now take another moment to daydream about what life would be like without those people. Can you imagine going through this crazy life with nobody on the other end of those calls and texts and emails? Can you imagine sitting alone in the restaurant booth with nobody on the other side of the table? Now take a third moment and thank God again because what He has provided for you is really special.

Now let me give a quick disclaimer. Our lives tend to be seasonal and our patterns often shift for one reason or another. The specific people you are experiencing community with right now may not be the people you are experiencing community with years down the road. God has called His people to live in and pursue community with other believers. We must embrace that calling and stay committed to it when friends move away or when we change jobs and move to a new city. So whether you have a deep connection with a few believers or you intentionally connect with many people, the point is that we do not do life alone. We need people.

If you’re still reading this and you feel disconnected, isolated, lonely, stranded, or desperate for friendship, please pause and take a moment to pray. Ask God directly and specifically to provide friends that you can walk with in authentic community. Now take a moment to think about the people who are in proximity to your life. Are there people around that are striving to walk with Jesus that you can try to connect with? What would it look like for you to take a courageous step and reach out to someone? Have you talked yourself out of filling out one of the “Help Me Find A Community Group” cards at the Sunday gathering time and time again? It’s time to get connected in real community. It’s time to find some people you can live out the “one anothers” of Scripture with: love one another, honor one another, build up one another, care for one another, serve one another, bear one another's burdens, forgive one another, comfort one another, encourage one another, pray for one another. This is what real gospel community looks like. It’s people going deeper in their relationships with each other and with Jesus. May God answer your prayer today and surround you with these vital friendships.

Community groups ain’t all that. They are a helpful tool to help us aim for the prize of real, authentic community. Hopefully our community groups at Sojourn are helping you discover and thrive-in gospel friendships. Life is hard. Life is crazy. Life is fun. Life is joyful. Life throws curve balls. Life is an adventure. You need people. Who are your people? Hug them close and thank God for them.

I’ve been social media sober for almost a month, and for the last few weeks I feel more joyful, peaceful, and present than I have in quite some time. During the end of 2020, I found myself drawn to my phone like a moth to a flame. I’d go from Facebook to Instagram to Twitter and back around again. I’d notice myself reaching for my phone or wanting to reach for my phone even while in conversations with my wife, kids, or a friend. I had a problem. Furthermore, my scrolling rarely left me more joyful, peaceful, or refreshed when I finished than when I started.

So, during the first week of January, I decided to take a month off of social media. I could tell I was struggling with using social media in moderation, so I thought a month-long detox would be healthy. I made a post on each account letting people know how to contact me and that I’d be off until February. My first day away was January 5, which just so happened to be the day before the riots and storming of the capitol. Let’s just say I chose a good time to step away!!!

How is social media impacting you? Is it having a negative impact on your thoughts, emotions, habits, marriage, or other important relationships? Is it consuming time that could be spent in healthier or more productive ways? Is it leading you more towards anxiety, anger, and rage than peace, joy, and love?

Perhaps a month away from social media could do you some good as well. If you decide to do it, it may be helpful to…

• Be aware of the temptation to replace social media with other addictive media. For the first few days I craved the dopamine hit I was used to getting from social media. 
• Make a list of some things you hope to enjoy with the extra time and energy you will have. I have enjoyed listening to the autobiography of Nelson Mandela, spending time making mediocre-looking furniture as a novice woodworker, and working on some house projects I’ve been wanting to do.  
• Delete the social media apps from your phone. Just do it. The constant urge to check your social media, make a post, or share a picture is real. Delete the apps to help you resist the urge. 
• Expect that you will feel emotions and think about things you haven't felt in a while. Whether we realize it or not, we often use social media to escape from emotions and thoughts. It has been helpful for me to journal almost daily during during this social media break.

I don’t know when I will be back on social media. I doubt it will be February 1. I am enjoying the extra energy, time, and feeling of joy too much. My brain has gotten used to life without social media, and I believe I am healthier for it. However, I doubt I will stay off forever for several reasons. So, I have come up with a plan for how I will re-enter when I do. Ironically, I believe I read this plan from someone on Twitter.

When I get back on, I plan to take...

• one month off per year
• one week off per month
• one day off per week

For me, this will likely be January off each year, the first week off each month, and Monday (my sabbath / day off) each week. I hope this helps me to enjoy social media in moderation and fight the addictive nature of it. By the way, I did not take this break due to watching The Social Dilemma on Netflix. I took it because I could tell obsessive social media use was messing with my joy. However, I did watch The Social Dilemma for the first time this week, and it became obvious to me why I feel so much better after almost a month away. I recommend you give it a watch if you haven’t.
A few sections of the Bible that have been impactful for me to meditate on concerning this time away from social media are from 1 Corinthians 6 and Philippians 4.

1 Corinthians 6:12 - 12 “All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything.

Social media was dominating me. It was not helping me achieve my main roles in life, which are to love my Lord, love my wife, love my kids, love my church, love my family and friends, etc.

Philippians 4:5-8 - The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

In the context of talking about anxiety and peace, Paul instructs the church to focus on what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, and excellent. I don’t know about your feeds, but mine are not always filled with what is true. (Enter rant about conspiracy theories.) They aren't always filled with what is honorable, excellent, and lovely. Is it possible that one reason there is so much anxiety in our world today is that there is so much time spent on social media? It’s not the only reason, but I am convinced it is a main reason.

Whether you are compelled to take a break or not, I hope reading this has encouraged or challenged you in a meaningful way. Thanks for reading! Love to you all.

Jason B.

But where sin increased, grace abounded all the more. (Romans 5:20)

These powerful words from the Apostle Paul are the springboard for this magnificent song. Co-writers Matt Boswell and Matt Papa use this gospel concept to highlight the grace and mercy of our God that overwhelms the massive heap of our sins. This is such good news for sinners like us. Let’s think about it for a moment.

The truth is our sins are overwhelming. The magnitude of their number is enormous. We are natural born sinners. There are so many terrible or shameful things we’ve done, thought, and said. There are so many good things that we neglected, failed to do, or refused to do. We identify with the confession of Ezra that “our iniquities have risen higher than our heads, and our guilt has mounted up to the heavens.” (Ezra 9:6) Likewise, we sing with solidarity the lyrics of David’s lament, “My iniquities have gone over my head; like a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me” (Psalm 38:4). We are sinners and there’s no doubt about it. Our rap sheet says it all as it piles into a heap rising high above our heads. This dark and dismal reality is enough to make our palms sweat.

And that’s where the gospel bursts forth with explosive mercy! The mercy of God is greater than your sin. The grace of God is stronger than your sin. The kindness of God overwhelms your sin. The compassion of God smothers your sin. The goodness of God is literally larger than your sin. Do you believe it yet? Is it sinking in? Do you feel the stronghold of shame beginning to erode under the force of God’s mercy? This is why we call it good news. There is no better news for sinners like us. Praise God.

Thousands of years ago, Paul penned the powerful words “But where sin increased, grace abounded all the more.” Here recently, Matt Boswell and Matt Papa coined the phrase “Our sins they are many, His mercy is more.”

May God use this powerful anthem to help us grab hold of His tangible and abundant mercy tightly with both hands.


“His Mercy Is More”
Matt Boswell, Matt Papa

What love could remember no wrongs we have done?
Omniscient, all knowing, He counts not their sum
Thrown into a sea without bottom or shore
Our sins they are many, His mercy is more

What patience would wait as we constantly roam?
What Father, so tender, is calling us home?
He welcomes the weakest, the vilest, the poor
Our sins they are many, His mercy is more

What riches of kindness He lavished on us!
His blood was the payment, His life was the cost
We stood 'neath a debt we could never afford
Our sins they are many, His mercy is more

Praise the Lord! His mercy is more!
Stronger than darkness, new every morn
Our sins they are many, His mercy is more!


CLICK THE LINK TO WATCH THE VIDEO:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NNLTBXim7Y&feature=youtu.be

It’s that time of year again where the band starts rolling out the ever-adored Christmas tunes. This is always a bittersweet time for me each year. It’s sweet because so many of these songs are bursting at the seams with rich theology and potent gospel proclamation. Yet, the bitter part of the equation is simply the fact that we only get to dust off these gems a few weeks out of the year. It’s still special. I’m thankful. I love it every year.

However, there is an undeniable element of confusion and bewilderment for many of us as we sing these songs of Advent. Have you ever noticed all the obscure Old Testament references mentioned in these songs? Have you been tripped up by the mysterious mentions of the ancient prophetic writings of Scripture? I definitely have. In my personal experience, I’ve attended Christmas Eve services where we belt out O Come O Come Emmanuel while I’m simultaneously thinking, “God, thank You for cheering my spirit and dispersing gloom and putting the shadows of death to flight...but...I have absolutely no idea what a Dayspring is.”  

Do you have to be an Old Testament scholar to comprehend these songs of Christmas? No. Does it fuel our worship of Jesus to be familiar with the Old Testament references contained in these songs? Absolutely. Starting in Genesis 3 and continuing throughout the rest of the Old Testament, God promised to send Jesus to be the servant king to rescue His people. Here in this Christmas season we celebrate His long expected arrival. He is FINALLY here!

So, with that in mind, let’s plow through this timeless classic O Come O Come Emmanuel and dig up some much needed context for all these confusing lines.

O come O come Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appears
Rejoice, rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee O Israel

Right off the bat, the thought may pop into your head like it did mine, “Is it Emmanuel or Immanuel?” It’s a good question. Both of these spellings are transliterations of Greek and Hebrew words. The Greek spelling begins with an “E” and the Hebrew spelling with an “I.” So, whether the lyrics on your church’s projector screen say “Emmanuel” or “Immanuel,” the main point is that we celebrate the meaning of this name — “God with us.”

O come Thou Dayspring come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight

Here’s the infamous “Dayspring” that had me so tripped up earlier. It sounds like the name of an earthy spa in the mountains of Colorado, yet it has somehow worked its way into a Christmas song. “Dayspring” is a word from the King James translation that means dawn or sunrise. In the first chapter of Luke, a priest named Zechariah, filled with the Holy Spirit, prophecies that his son John the Baptist would prepare the way for Jesus — the Dayspring — who will come to give light to those in darkness and guide them into peace.

Here are Zechariah's words...

“And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High; for you will go before the Lord to prepare his ways, to give knowledge of salvation to his people in the forgiveness of their sins, because of the tender mercy of our God, whereby the sunrise [Dayspring KJV] shall visit us from on high to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace” (Luke 1:76-79 ESV).

With this in mind, the next time you wake up early on your beach vacation to watch the Dayspring, remember that Jesus is the light that illuminates the darkness and brings peace.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse,
Free Thine own from Satan’s tyranny;
From depths of hell Thy people save,
And give them victory over the grave.

For starters don’t let “rod” lead you down a rabbit trail of auto parts, fishing tackle, or objects that channel high voltage. This “rod” is more along the lines of tree terminology — branches, stems, shoots and roots. More specifically, think in terms of a family tree.

The prophet Isaiah writes,

There shall come forth a shoot [rod KJV] from the stump of Jesse,
and a branch from his roots shall bear fruit.
And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him (Isaiah 11:1 ESV).

Alright, so who is Jesse? Jesse was the father of David — King David the giant slayer. Isaiah prophesies that from the stump of Jesse a branch will come forth. Jesus, from the line of David (Jesse’s son), would be the ultimate King coming to free His people from Satan’s tyranny and give them victory over the grave. Good news!

In the last chapter of the Bible we see this idea come full circle as the Apostle John quotes Jesus,  saying:

“I, Jesus, have sent my angel to testify to you about these things for the churches. I am the root and the descendant of David, the bright morning star” (Revelation 22:16 ESV).

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.

In these lyrics the “Key of David” would open the way to heaven and close the path of misery. This is a key of incredible significance. It has the ability to open and close very important things.

Back to the prophet Isaiah. In chapter 22 there is a man named Shebna who is a “steward over the household.” God replaces Shebna with a new steward named Eliakim, the son of Hilkiah. Hello? Are you still awake? Welcome ladies and gentlemen, we are officially deep into the weeds! So, back to this new steward Eliakim, God says that He will “place on his shoulder the key of the house of David. He shall open, and none shall shut; and he shall shut, and none shall open” (Isaiah 22:22).

This connects with a more popular Christmas prophecy in Isaiah, “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder.” (Isaiah 9:6).

Let’s try to put these pieces together. It was prophesied that Jesus would be born as a child with the type of authority and ability to have the government rest upon His shoulder. In a similar way, God would “place upon [Eliakim’s] shoulder the key of the house of David,'' giving him full authority to open and shut the doors of the household. Along the same lines, Joseph ruled over Egypt with authority as the steward of Pharaoh’s kingdom. This “Key of David” in our song would be the One who has ultimate authority, even over things such as heaven and hell.

Once again, as the Bible often does, this idea comes full circle to the person of Jesus as he speaks again to the Apostle John:

“And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: The words of the holy one, the true one, who has the key of David, who opens and no one will shut, who shuts and no one opens” (Revelation 3:7).

Jesus tells John directly that He has the “Key of David” and when he opens doors, no one can shut them. And when he shuts doors, no one can open them. Pastor John Piper eloquently wrote, “As the Key of David, [Jesus] rescues us from hell, locks the door behind us, unlocks the door of heaven, and brings us home.” What an amazing truth!

Well, that’s the nuts and bolts of this powerful song that the church has been singing for centuries. My hope is that this song, along with the context of Scripture, will give us a deeper understanding and appreciation of our long expected King who burst onto the scene to deliver us and bring us peace. I also hope that I have cleared up some confusion that will enable you to sing this song loudly with great joy.

Merry Christmas.

Psalm 46:1-3
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
Though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

The psalmist begins by making some incredible statements about who God is. He is our refuge: our security, our safety, our stability, our shelter from the storm. He is also our strength. One of the fascinating things about God is that He never gets tired. He’s never weary. He’s never weak. He never goes to bed. He never takes an afternoon nap. He never gets a little shaky from low blood sugar. He’s never been “hangry.” He IS strength. He is our strength. He is also a very present help in trouble. He is near. He is present. Very present. He is close and He is helping.

With those three life-giving, stabilizing, and comforting declarations of who God is, the psalmist make an incredible “therefore” statement. God is our refuge, strength, and help therefore WE WILL NOT FEAR. We have been set free from the crippling reality of fear. Why? We belong to God. We’re his children. He’s near. He’s helping. He’s strong. He’s a refuge.

The psalm-writer then gives a pretty mind-blowing scenario. The earth giving way. Picture an earthquake. I’m immediately trying to recall some movie scene because I’ve lived in Georgia my whole life and thankfully have no experience with earthquakes. I will say that the F-15 sonic booms that plague our Air Force town are very earthquake-ish to me. I digress. He also talks about the mountains falling into the sea with a gigantic, roaring, foaming swell. What?! Can you imagine living in a day where the ground you walk on “gives way” and the mountains start falling into the ocean? That’s a picture of something regularly stable becoming radically unstable. However, this is the scenario the writer comes up with after making his WE WILL NOT FEAR proclamation. God is our refuge, strength, and help. Therefore we will not fear though the earth becomes ravished with chaos. Powerful.

What is your “though” right now? What is the scenario that is troubling you the most? Is it the news that COVID-19 is officially present in Middle Georgia? As we watched and read about China, Italy, and Atlanta, the pandemic was an idea. Now that it’s arrived on our doorstep it’s a reality. Is your “though” a financial crisis? Maybe you’ve been diligently investing in your retirement only to wake up one day and see that your 401k suffered a tremendous loss. It may be that your troubling scenario is watching the world around you panic on all the social media platforms. Maybe your “though” is not knowing how long this pandemic is going to last.

Our natural tendency is to cling to whatever our “though” is. We become consumed by it. Overwhelmed. Anxious. Panicking.

I want to encourage us to release the “though” and cling to God with both hands. White knuckled. Trusting. He is our refuge and strength and a present help in times like these.

Pastor Josh

  If you have a friend that is going through an affair, you can be a huge help and blessing or a source of further pain and heartache. I want to share with you the type of friend that I hope and pray surrounds those I am counseling through affair recovery. These principles may be broadly applicable, but I am specifically thinking about how to be a good friend to the faithful AND unfaithful spouse that are trying to decide whether to save their marriage or who have already decided to try to rebuild their marriage.

1. DO NOT pressure quick forgiveness.

Forgiveness may take a while. Infidelity causes some of the deepest pain imaginable. It is hard to forgive what you do not understand, and the offended spouse normally does not understand many of the ramifications of his/her spouse’s infidelity for many months. By pressuring your friend to forgive their spouse quickly, you unintentionally minimize the pain your friend is feeling. Do pray for your friend to extend forgiveness. Do ask gently where he/she is in the forgiveness process. Do not expect or pressure quick forgiveness.

2. DO NOT avoid talking about their pain.

Your friends, whether you are primarily friends with the unfaithful or offended spouse, are often thinking about the pain of the affair for months and even years after it is discovered. You may be afraid that they are not feeling the pain today, and by asking them about it you may make them think about it. That is normally not the case. It can be comforting for them to be able to talk about it with a good friend without having to bring it up every time. When you bring it up, it communicates that you understand that what they are going through is big, consuming, and difficult. Bring it up. Pray for them. Pray with them. Ask how they are doing.

3. DO NOT insist that your friends talk about their pain all the time.

Do ask how they are doing, but do not insist that they talk deeply about their pain all the time. Your friends may need a break. Be a friend that can help your friends to rest from the recovery process by laughing, talking about hobbies, and just hanging out. Affair recovery can be exhausting work, and a good friend can be invaluable in providing temporary relief from the emotional exhaustion.

4. DO NOT bash your friend's spouse.

     If you are closest with the spouse that was faithful, do not bash his/her spouse. If your friend is considering or seeking to forgive and rebuild the marriage, you need to be a friend of the marriage. You can listen and empathize with your friend’s pain without bashing his/her spouse. Believe with your friend that God can make his/her spouse a man or woman of integrity. Do not shun your friend’s spouse. Pray for your friend's spouse with your friend.

5. DO serve practically.

You can help your friends in many ways in the months and years after the affair comes to light. They need time and space to pray, read, grieve, and attend counseling. Offer to babysit your friends' children on a regular basis so that they can make time for healing. Assure your friends that you are glad to serve and want nothing in return. Offer to help financially with counseling costs if you are able. Many in affair recovery spend a year or two in counseling, which can be very expensive. If you have access to a beach house, lake house, or other relaxing environment, offer your place so they can get away individually or as a couple. Again, your friends need time and space to process, pray, and have healing conversations. Lastly, ask you friend how you can practically serve them.

6. DO expect your friends to be in the recovery process for several years.

Your friends will likely struggle with feeling like a burden in your friendship, and therefore will be tempted to isolate themselves. My experience counseling through affair recovery and my research on the topic leads me to believe that most marriages take about 18-24 months to substantially recover from an affair. Tell your friends that you know that it can take years to recover, and let them know that you want to walk with them the whole way. Yes, you will get exhausted. Choose to listen, stay engaged, grieve, pray, encourage, and serve. Of course your friends need encouragement, empathy, and practical service during the first few weeks after affair discovery. They also need it after a year, when most of their friends and family expect the marriage to be "back to normal." 
     
Genuine, sacrificial, supportive friends are crucial for rebuilding a marriage that has crumbled due to an affair. Are you willing to be a friend when your friend is hurting, depressed, and fearful and may be that way off and on for years? Will you walk in when many others walk out?

  “I feel so weak. If I were strong I would leave him/her. If I don't leave my spouse, does that mean I am weak and needy?” I often hear words such as these when walking with a husband or wife whose spouse had an affair.
     
Let me be clear! You are not weak for seeking to work towards healing, reconciliation, and trust in your marriage. It takes strength to forgive, grieve, have hard healing conversations, and risk trusting again. I believe many of the people I have had the privilege to counsel through affair recovery are some of the most courageous, tenacious, and Godly people I have ever met.
     
The Bible teaches that we, God’s people, are spiritual adulterers. Are you prepared to call God weak for being faithful and forgiving to His adulterous bride?

Divorce may be a Biblically acceptable option if your spouse has had an affair, which shows how damaging and destructive adultery is (Matthew 5:32; Matthew 19:9). Furthermore, it may be wise or necessary to temporarily separate after an affair to seek healing, clarity of mind, and/or physical safety. There are circumstances, including when your spouse will not repent for his/her adultery or when there are repeated affairs, when divorce may be your wisest option.

That disclaimer being said, there are many who have chosen to stay in their marriages after a spouse's affair. If this is you, some will think your staying makes you weak. Be encouraged! Many thought Jesus was weak when he taught his disciples to "turn the other cheek" (Matthew 5:39). Many think Jesus is weak for not retaliating and seeking revenge against those who insulted him (1 Peter 2:23-24). Christian, recognize that you are a spiritual adulterer, and your Heavenly Father forgives you in Christ, remains faithful to you, and does not leave you.  Therefore, honor and encourage those that choose to fight for their marriages even after the devastation of an affair. If you are in the process of affair recovery, please know that this counselor and pastor believes the decision to forgive and rebuild is a brave and courageous one! May God bless you and your marriage, and may the watching world see the grace and faithfulness of God through this very painful and trying time in your life.

“What in the world do we do now? We are not prepared for this.” That is what I typically hear in the first counseling session after an affair is confessed or discovered. Understanding the basics of what it takes to recover from an affair may help you empathize with a friend, or it may help you have a clue where to start if you ever find yourself in affair recovery. Having counseled couples after infidelity and having read books and articles about how marriages can rebuild, I believe there are four steps a couple must take to rebuild a healthy marriage after unfaithfulness.

1.    Completely end the inappropriate relationship.

First, the unfaithful spouse must completely and fully cut off the inappropriate relationship. As a counselor, I will not progress past this step until the adulterous spouse has cut off the relationship. Some spouses want to hear or see the adulterous spouse cut it off, and that can be beneficial for some. Is important is that both spouses have confidence the relationship has been ended.

2.    Build trust.

An affair destroys trust in a marriage. Forgiveness is given as a free gift, but trust is earned. The affair included sexual and emotional secrecy, and trust will be earned with a lifetime of honesty, transparency, and vulnerability.. Below are some common ways couples have sought to build trust back into their marriage.

• The offended spouse has permission to ask any questions, and you (the adulterous spouse) answer with honesty and transparency.
• Git rid of technology (smart phone, Facebook, snapchat, iPad) that was involved in secretive communication or inappropriate picture sharing. If it would help build trust, give your spouse all the passwords for your email accounts, phone records, social media sites, and financial accounts. 
• If your work environment is not helpful for building trust due to traveling or working with your affair partner, change jobs or request a different position in the company. This may seem drastic, but you must do whatever it takes to earn trust. 
• Do not minimize the pain your spouse feels or defend your adulterous actions. Seek to not grow impatient with your spouse's distrust. Expect it to take years to rebuild trust. 
• Be intentional to rebuild trust by doing other things, such as checking in often, frequently letting your spouse know where you are and what you are doing, providing an itinerary if you must travel, getting involved with a small group or Bible study, and pursuing counseling. 

     
If your spouse is staying with you to try to make the marriage work, odds are that he/she wants to trust you. Instead of viewing their questioning and desire for evidence (phone records, email, etc.) as him/her wanting to catch you in a lie, view it as your spouse looking for evidence that he/she can trust you. The more you take the initiative in rebuilding trust, the better. If you broke the trust, do not make your spouse beg for the things that will help rebuild it.
     
It is the adulterous spouse's job to do whatever is asked of him/her, within reason, by the offended spouse. It is the job of the offended spouse not to use this as an opportunity for payback, manipulation, or control, but to only ask for what is needed to rebuild trust.

3.    Heal.

I am not seeking to imply that building trust and healing are completely separate. They normally happen at the same time. When I say heal, I mean that the offended spouse is cared for by his/her spouse, friends, and church family and supported through the grieving process. Healing includes the unfaithful spouse hearing and understanding his/her spouse's pain and apologizing. It includes the offended spouse's support system listening and weeping with their hurting friend. It includes praying for healing and strength to forgive. It includes expressing forgiveness to the adulterous husband or wife.
     
Healing is not only for the offended spouse. Most who have an affair feel intense shame, guilt, and isolation. These emotions need to be cared for and faced. The adulterous spouse needs to confess, repent, and work on their character and integrity. He/she needs to be supported, as they often go through hard months and sometimes years as they see the effects of their actions hurt the people around them. The unfaithful spouse needs encouragement and support. This spouse's role in healing the marriage is crucial, but often exhausting and lonely.  

4.    Work on marital problems that existed before the affair.

     This only happens after significant trust-building and healing have been achieved. If you do this too early, the offended spouse will likely come to believe that the affair was somehow his/her fault. That is a lie. There is nothing one spouse can do that makes the other have an affair. I want to be clear! It is not your fault that your spouse had an affair. However, it would be foolish to not go back and seek to understand and change patterns in the marriage that created distance and a lack of marital satisfaction pre-affair.
     
If your marriage feels destroyed due to an affair and you want to give saving your marriage a chance, I strongly suggest finding a professional counselor that values marriage to help you with your recovery. Every couple and every situation are different. Do not seek to apply these steps or any others as a formula. There are exceptions, and these are not rules. I hope these broad steps help you to think through what it takes to recover from an affair. If you are going through affair recovery, I hope and pray that your marriage is able to heal and experience strength and health in the future. 

  If you do not begin fighting infidelity until you have already begun an inappropriate relationship, you have started the fight too late. I would even argue that if you start to fight infidelity on your wedding day, you have started too late. There are healthy patterns you can establish before you say “I do” that can give you and your future spouse increased confidence that you will be faithful to one another.

1.     Have physical boundaries in your dating relationship, and honor those boundaries.

     If you and your significant other cannot honor the sexual boundaries you have set in your dating relationship, you do not give each other confidence that you will be able to honor your sexual boundaries (no sex outside of the marriage) when married. The couples I meet with in premarital counseling that give me the most confidence are those that say, “Of course we want to go further sexually, but we have agreed upon boundaries. Even when we feel that we want to cross them, we don't out of love for and commitment to God and ourselves.” They have proven to one another that they can feel sexually tempted without pursuing or giving in to the temptation. I am not saying that you need to break up immediately if you have messed up together sexually. I am saying that you ought to slow down and consider whether you should marry the person you are dating if you or your significant other has proven a lack of sexual self-control when tempted.

2.     Stop looking at pornography.

In the fantasy land of pornography, you get to pick and choose a different sexual partner each time. Sex becomes cheapened, because there is no relational investment before a sexual experience. I do not want for you to get married with a bent towards desiring new and different sexual partners. I do not want you to get married with a pattern of viewing sex as something to be had outside of a committed marriage.

3.     Don't cheat on your significant other or date those that do.

If you cheat on your significant other before marriage, you get used to deceiving and being unfaithful. It is not uncommon for couples to come to counseling due to an affair who first got together when one was married or in a serious relationship. If they cheated on their last spouse or significant other to be with you, what gives you confidence they wont cheat on you when things get hard? God does change lives, and someone who has cheated in the past can become faithful. However, you have reason to slow down and consider if you or your significant other has a past of cheating. Pursue marriage with someone who honors his/her commitments even when it is hard and the grass appears greener on the other side.

4.     Learn to healthily face conflict in all your relationships.
Many marriages that experience affairs are poor at resolving conflict. This causes them to drift apart through the years until they feel distant and discontent. Do not sweep conflict and hurt feelings under the rug when you are dating. If you do not regularly talk honestly, kindly, and graciously about conflict and struggles with friends, family members, or your significant other, what makes you think you will be able to do so with your spouse?
     
Pursue faithfulness in your marriage before you are married. What you are doing and who you are becoming in your singleness will affect your marriage, for better or for worse. If you consider and apply these for ideas, it may spare you and your future spouse the heartbreak and destruction of adultery.

Helping couples fight for their marriages through the excruciating pain of adultery has been one of the greatest privileges of my life. That being said, I would prefer for the affairs to never have happened. There are many signs that you are in danger of having an affair, but I've noticed two that are almost always present and reasonably easy to discern. Please know that I am sharing this to lovingly warn, not to heap guilt and shame on you if you have messed up in the past.

One lie typically leads to another just before and during an affair. However, know that deceiving is not only telling a bold-faced lie, but it also includes concealing the truth and minimizing the truth. If you answer "yes" to any of the following questions, you are likely flirting with danger.

• When your spouse asks you what you did today, do you always leave out interactions with him/her?
• Do you know deep down that you are not being honest with your close friends or church small group? When they ask questions about your life, are you mostly honest while leaving out info about a secretive relationship? 
• Are you sneaking off for lunch or dinner with a co-worker or friend and hoping that nobody you know will be where you are? 
• Does your spouse know about some of your co-workers, gym friends, or others friend, but conveniently not know about him/her?
• Are you lying or concealing the truth to your spouse about where you were, how long you were there, what you were doing, or who was there with you?

Maybe you reason, "I have not told my spouse or friends about a certain friendship, because it not important and nothing has happened." If it is not important, why don't you go ahead and bring it up? When you begin deceiving or withholding info from your spouse and friends, watch out!

 Anticipation is a key warning sign that a relationship is becoming inappropriate. If you answer "yes" to any of the following questions, you are likely vulnerable to danger.

• Do you find yourself anticipating seeing him/her more than you look forward to seeing other friends or co-workers?
• Do you look forward to being able to walk by his/her desk at work?
• Do you take the long way to the bathroom or coffee station so that you can see him/her?
• Do you hope to show up at the gym, daycare center, grocery store, etc. at the same time he/she does?
• Do you look forward to seeing him/her at your church small group?
• Do you look forward to the goodbye hug from him/her after the work meeting or church group is over?
• Do you have an increased focus on what you wear if you think you may see him/her?
• Do you know what time he/she will be at a certain place, and therefore you adjust your plans to be there too?

If you find yourself looking forward to seeing someone and anticipating when you can bump into him or her again, consider yourself warned!

Of course, there are more warning signs that you are at high risk for getting involved in an extramarital affair. Discontentment in marriage, an out-of-control sexual addiction, feeling isolated and lonely, feeling insecure and craving complements from others, and spiritual apathy are all potential warning signs. That being said, I believe focusing on deceit and anticipation are very helpful, because they are almost always present before an affair and are relatively easy to discern if you take the time to ask yourself honest questions. If you are moving dangerously close to an adulterous relationship, I hope and pray that God would use this short blog post to cause you to stop, make wise and bold decisions, have hard conversations, confess and repent, and pursue your marriage.

It is hard to get up-to-date and accurate statistics on adultery, because many affairs are probably not discovered or reported to questionnaires. However, many researchers suggest that adultery affects more than half of all marriages nationally.
     
For this reason and more, I am writing a series of blogs about adultery. I plan to release one blog each day this week.

I do NOT desire to cause you to feel unhealthy guilt or shame for the affair you had in the past. You living in unhealthy guilt and shame does you, your family, and your community no good. I do NOT want to re-traumatize you. If you believe it is best for you not to read any of these blogs due to your personal story, please do not read them. I do NOT want to add to the overwhelming silence concerning affairs. Because this topic is not talked about frequently, those who go through it often face increased and unnecessary shame and isolation.
     
I DO hope that God uses these blogs to help someone on the road to an extramarital affair turn around before they get there. I would be glad if God uses these blogs to give a couple hope that they can persevere and rebuild their shattered marriage. Many who go through affair recovery say, “What do we do now? We did not plan for this.” I don't think you should plan for it, but to consider some basic knowledge of how to recover from an affair is not a bad idea in light of the overwhelming statistics. I hope this series helps some better care for and serve their friend that is going through the pain of affair recovery.  Lastly, I write out of worship for God. I have learned so much about Him by helping others work through the pain of infidelity. I hope this will lead any who take the time to read to gaze at the beauty, patience, grace, and love of our faithful God.

  Marriage, in many ways, is similar to gardening. You cannot plant a garden, neglect it, and expect to have a healthy garden a year later. To have a healthy garden, you will need to invest significant time pulling weeds, keeping out pests, planting, watering, and fertilizing. A few times a year, you will need to devote significant time (a weekend, day, or half-day) to working in the garden. Every week you will need to spend a little time in the garden to maintain its health.
     
Many people get married and neglect their garden over time. Busyness, parenting, stress, and life cause us to coast or prioritize the urgent. As a counselor, I have come to believe that a marriage is rarely, if ever, stagnant. You are either growing in intimacy, trust, and togetherness or you are going backwards. If you are seeking to simply coast, weeds are likely growing and pests are eating at the crops. Over time, much like a garden, togetherness and intimacy tends to dwindle and fade when the marriage is not intentionally invested in, strengthened, and prioritized.

Here are three questions that I would love for you and your spouse to ask each other with the goal of intentionally investing in your marriage. I hope you have a pleasant and beneficial conversation.

1. What is one significant investment we can make in our marriage in the next six months?    

Maybe there is a marriage conference coming to your area or a marriage retreat you could attend. Maybe a weekend getaway without the kids is for you. Perhaps you will decide to schedule a few sessions with a professional counselor or marriage and family therapist.

2. What is a regular (weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly) rhythm that we could establish that will help us to consistently invest in our marriage?

Do you and your spouse have a regular time when you are able to be together and focus on each other? Perhaps you can try a regular date night or plan to eat breakfasts together on Saturday mornings. You and your spouse may decide to read a book on marriage and discuss the questions at the end of each chapter together. The idea here is not to make a rule and put another thing on your to-do list. The idea is to prioritize your marriage enough that you are regularly and intentionally making yourself aware of the weeds and adding fertilizer and water.

3. What is one way that I can improve in loving and supporting you that you would appreciate?
     
This is a great question to ask your spouse. Even in the asking of the question you are communicating love and support. After asking, make sure to listen and follow through as much as you possibly can.
     
Each season of life is different. Small children, children, financial stress, and other sorts of stress and busyness may make it more difficult to find time and energy to invest significantly in your marriage. These questions are not meant to be a burden on you and make you feel like you are not doing enough. Rather, I hope that they help you consider how to invest consistently in your marriage in a way that helps you to grow in togetherness in each season of life, though it will look different in different seasons.  I hope and pray that you consistently tend the garden of your marriage and are rewarded with a resilient and satisfying relationship.
 
*Note: This is written with a generally healthy and happy couple in mind. If your marriage is unstable, has significant unresolved conflicts, or feels unsafe, you may need to seek help and healing by meeting with a counselor or other helping professional before having conversations like the one suggested above.  

The word "forgiveness" is used frequently in church, movies, and song lyrics. However, meeting with individuals and couples in counseling has taught me that many struggle to understand forgiveness. When I hear that someone is struggling to forgive,  I frequently ask, "Well, what is forgiveness? What is it that you are struggling to do?" Many respond, "You know, like, just forgive." Then comes the admission, "Well, I guess I don't really know how to explain it." It is hard to do something that you do not grasp and cannot explain. I desire to share a brief overview of what I understand forgiveness to be. Then, I will share five misconceptions I frequently come across that tend to keep people stuck in unforgiveness. I pray God will use this to help you progress in your ability and desire to truly forgive those who have hurt you.

Forgiveness is a decision and a process.Forgiveness decides to let go of bitterness and not to seek revenge against the person who harmed you, and then proceeds to live out that decision on a daily basis. Forgiveness absorbs pain rather than transferring it to someone else. Consider how God has forgiven those who love and trust in Jesus. He does not punish us for our sins (Romans 4:6-8). He does not spare us all consequences, but he does spare us  his wrath, bitterness, and revenge. Praise the Lord that he does!
     
It is important to see forgiveness as a decision and a process. If you see it only as a decision, you will feel that your forgiveness was not real if you have a negative thought about the offender after extending them forgiveness. If you see it only as a process, you will delay in choosing to forgive until it "feels right." Viewing forgiveness as a decision and process allows you to make a decision and then walk it out day after day. If you choose to forgive and later feel bitterness or the desire for revenge creeping in, you can still know you have chosen to forgive. Now, you must strive to live in light of that decision.

Now that you know how I am defining and viewing forgiveness, lets consider five common misconceptions that keep people in unforgiveness.

1. "Forgiveness and trust go together."
Many believe that to forgive is to trust. This becomes apparent when I hear something like, "I am struggling to forgive my spouse, because I do not feel I can trust them yet." Forgiveness is a free gift given to someone who does not deserve it. Trust must be earned. If a babysitter falls asleep on the job and my son gets hurt badly due to the babysitter's neglect, I will seek to forgive the babysitter. However, guess who will not be babysitting next Saturday night? I can forgive the babysitter for the harm, but I will not trust the babysitter alone with my children unless they do whatever it takes to earn back my trust.

2. "I must be 'over it' to forgive."
Often I hear, "I am struggling to forgive, because it still hurts and I still feel angry." Feeling hurt and not being "over it" are not evidences that you cannot forgive, but rather makes forgiveness more meaningful. Do not believe that you have to be over the hurt and anger to extend the gift of forgiveness. Remember, forgiveness is a decision and a process, not a feeling.

3. "If I forgive, the person will be free from consequences for their actions.
If you forgive, the person will be free from your revenge. There may still be legal consequences, feelings of guilt, and lack of trust. When you forgive, you do not free the offender of all consequences, but you do extend to them the gift of freedom from your revenge and bitterness.

4. "I cannot forgive, because (s)he has not apologized.
It usually makes it easier to forgive when the offender extends a good and sincere apology, but it is not necessary. Remember, forgiveness does not mean you are reconciling the relationship and immediately trusting the offender. It simply means you are not seeking revenge and are moment by moment aiming to let go of the weight of resentment. You can do this before receiving an apology.  

5. "It is best to forgive quickly and move forward."
Yes and no. Seeking to extend forgiveness quickly is great. However, keep in mind that it is hard to forgive what you do not understand. I often work with marriages that have been through infidelity. Sometimes, the offended spouse will tell me in the first counseling session that (s)he has forgiven his/her spouse. Though an honorable attempt, this forgiveness is almost always incomplete and far from finished. As the offended spouse comes to more fully understand the pain, (s)he will need to continue to forgive. It is likely impossible to understand all the pain, but quick forgiveness typically does not persevere and endure when the pain is severe. Forgive quickly if possible, but do not assume it is finished. As you realize more effects of the offense, continue to work through and express forgiveness.  

This post is already longer than I hoped, but I feel I must write something about how you can find the ability to forgive. Stated bluntly, forgiven people forgive (Mt. 18:21-35; Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13). If you have not experienced being forgiven, it will be impossible to forgive. If you feel that you have only been forgiven for minor offenses, it will be hard to forgive someone for a major offense. If you are struggling to forgive someone, make sure you understand what forgiveness is. Then, sit down and journal about how you have been forgiven in your life. How have you been forgiven by friends and family? Have you experienced the forgiveness of God, who is the only one who forgives while having no need of forgiveness? Dive deep into how you have been forgiven in your life and pray that God would give you the strength and grace to forgive others. 
     
What would you add to this list? I'd love to hear misconceptions you have heard or believed or any questions about forgiveness that you have in the comments sections.

   At times, we all feel out of control. I wrote the following as a personal prayer and meditation. I decided to share it with the hope  that it encourages you. I frequently meet with people in counseling sessions who have strong desires and fears, and feel out of control and even powerless. I often ask them, "What do you do when you feel out of control?" This is simply me being honest about a few ways I feel out of control, while seeking to go to the One who is all-powerful.  
_______________
 
I DESIRE that my boys grow up strong and healthy. I want them to be honorable men of character who love Jesus and love others sacrificially. I CAN strive to encourage, discipline, and teach them. I aim to spend time with them and tell them in word and action that they are valuable. However, I CANNOT change their hearts. I cannot cause them to trust in Christ and turn from their selfishness. Heavenly Father, I am weak and need you.
     
I DESIRE my wife to know she is loved, and I do not want her to experience harm. I want her to know you intimately and be able to rest. I CAN lock the doors at night and install a security system. I can work hard and provide for my family, although I need God to bless my efforts even to do that. I can tell my wife I love her as I seek to serve her. However, I CANNOT ensure that harm doesn't come her way. I cannot keep her healthy.  Heavenly Father, I am weak and need you.
     
I DESIRE those I have the privilege to counsel to experience growth and increased health. I want the marriages that are falling apart to be put back together. I want those that are hurting from loss to heal. I desire those battling addiction to experience sobriety. I hope for the depressed to experience peace and joy. I CAN care for them by asking good questions and expressing true empathy. I can stay up to date on the latest research, skills, and counseling theory. I can encourage them, challenge them, and pray for them. However, I CANNOT turn a husband’s heart toward his wife and vice versa. I cannot cause a hurting spouse to find the strength and courage to forgive. I cannot break the power of addiction. I cannot make a cold and insensitive heart warm and caring. I cannot lift one’s mind and heart out of depression. Heavenly Father, I am weak and need you.
     
I DESIRE Sojourn Church and all Gospel-believing churches to flourish. I want our church planting efforts in Cochran to result in many people finding true hope and joy. I want our Warner Robins campus to see continued growth and maturity. I want to see our members love and serve each other as they do life together. WE CAN prepare and try to think of everything that needs to be done to launch in Cochran. We can study the Bible and preach the Word with passion and conviction. We can do our best to make opportunities for service and involvement. We can pray. However, WE CANNOT cause one single heart in Cochran to turn to the Spring of Living Water. We cannot cause preaching to result in any heart or mind change at all. We can’t cause the Gospel to capture our own hearts or the hearts of those who have not believed it. We are weak, and we need you.
     
I DESIRE to have an intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I want to experience the peace and hope that Christ brings. I can study the Bible, pray, be in community, and partake of other means of grace. However, I CANNOT even open my own eyes to the hope, power, and glory of the Gospel. My heart drifts. I lose desire even to pursue intimacy with the Lord. My default is to seek control and take care of things myself. I cannot convict myself of sin. I cannot even cause my own heart to continue beating. Heavenly Father, I am weak and need you.
     
Father, thank you for the desires you have given me. Even the things I can do, I do so imperfectly. My best efforts are still lacking the power to produce change. Thank you that you do use my efforts to accomplish beauty, redemption, salvation, and healing. Thank you that at the end of the day, I can trust that you are able and you are wise. Thank you for the Gospel. Christ came, lived a perfect life, died the death I deserve due to my selfishness, and rose in defeat of death’s power. Thank you that Jesus has said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Heavenly Father, I am weak and need you!

 The children in the movie were laughing hysterically at the funny voices and humorous jokes. I was analyzing the psychology of the movie while also seeking to enjoy the date night with my wife. It is advertised as a children's movie, but I believe the producers were seeking to influence and teach the adults that brought the kids to the movie. As a counselor, I loved this movie!

There were more than two things, but I am trying to write a blog and not a book. These were the two that stand out the most.

First, the movie taught that you cannot pick and choose what emotions to feel. A healthy person is willing and able to feel a variety of emotions. This was the main point of the movie. The main character, Riley (11-years-old) moved from her hometown in Minnesota to San Francisco. For a time, her emotions, which were portrayed by the characters Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust, simply tried to make her happy. Sadness was told to get lost. Anger, Fear, and Disgust submitted to Joy as she tried to keep Riley happy. During this process, it seemed that Riley became numb, seemingly feeling nothing at all.      I can not tell you how many times I have sought to help a person feel sadness and grief.

Many of us have learned that we are supposed to suck it up, move on, and get over it. We teach our children this when we do anything we can to prevent them from experiencing sadness or hurt. Inside Out creatively shows the value of grief. When Joy finally tells Sadness that she is needed, Riley was able to feel again and express her emotions. Her parents are then able to connect with her and comfort her. The purpose of our emotions is not primarily to make us feel good. Emotions let us know what we value and enable us to connect with others in loving, meaningful, and intimate ways.

Secondly, there was a focus on core memories and their importance in shaping who you are today. Throughout the movie, there are flashbacks to different core memories that deeply affected Riley and shaped her personality. People often come to counseling because they do not understand why they do what they do. When this is the case, I often begin to explore the client's childhood. We all have different memories from very formative years that impact us greatly.
     
Consider your life between the ages of 5 and 15. You cannot remember everything that happened, but you are able to remember some events with detail and emotion. We all have "moments of life" and "moments of death." Life moments are when something happens and you felt great, as if all is right with the world. Maybe you made a game winning shot or your dad danced around the house with you. Simply put, you felt alive! Death moments are when something happens that makes you feel miserable or worthless. Perhaps you found out that your parents were getting divorced or you got made fun of by someone who you thought was a friend. We make vows to ourselves in moments like these. We vow to do whatever it takes to experience the great feelings we had during moments of life, and we vow to never again allow ourselves to feel the pain we had during moments of death. This affects what we pursue in life, the depth of relationships we allow, and the walls we put up. 

A friend asked, "In one word, what did you think of the movie?" I replied, "Excellent...but incomplete." It was excellent for many reasons, but I was longing for more.

Where were truth and logic? Each person's brain had a headquarters in the movie. An emotion in headquarters could get behind the control panel and affect what the person felt, said, and did. The other emotions that were in headquarters could try to influence or take control from the emotion in charge.  I wish each brain would have had two headquarters. One headquarter would have been for the emotions and the other would have been for truth and logic to have a place to function. The movie was brilliant in teaching that the emotions, and even sadness, need to be felt and expressed. However, the movie failed to portray the struggle between thinking and feeling. It seemed as if feeling is all we do, and we must give in to whatever emotion is behind the control panel.
     What does it mean to be emotionally healthy? One thing it means is that we do not stuff or bury our emotions. However, it also means that we are not controlled by them. As a Christian, I believe I should apply the great truths that I know from the Word of God to what I feel. I ought to consider and value my emotions, and I must consider what I know to be true despite how I feel. I felt that this balance was missing in the movie.

  I loved Inside Out! Go see it, or go see it again. Not only will it entertain you and make you laugh, but it will also challenge you to consider and explore God's gift of emotions.  

Those things in life that have the greatest power for good also are able to cause the most pain and suffering. Sex. Fire. Fathers. Those are just a few things that come to mind when thinking of things that can cause both great joy and terrible harm. Yes, mothers could be put in this category, but today is Father's Day. Sex can be a beautiful and powerful expression of love and can produce precious children, but rape and molestation cause terrible life-altering pain. Fire can keep warm and set the mood for great stories and bonding, but can also destroy property and take life. But when I think of an earthly thing or relationship that has the greatest potential for both good and harm, I think of fathers.

There is rarely a more impactful voice in a child's life (or an adults life for that matter) than their dad. A father has the power to look into the eyes of their children and tell them they are loved and valuable, and the child will believe it. On the flip side, if a father tells a child they are good-for-nothing, unimportant, or worthless (with their words or actions), they will believe it. And if a father is absent for whatever reason, the child will often struggle with identity confusion and have a deep longing for that relationship.

As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him. - Psalm 103:13

There are a few relationships on earth that give a picture and taste of what a relationship is like with God. Marriage is one (Ephesians 5:22-33). Another is the father-son or father-daughter relationship (Ps. 103:13; Mt. 6:26, 7:9-11, 18:12-14; Luke 15:17; Rom. 8:15-16; 1 John 3:1). I believe this is the primary reason that a faithful, loving, gentle, and strong father has such a great positive impact on a child's life. It tells the child the truth about who God is and who he or she is. On the other hand, in this fallen world not all father-child relationships preach the truth about who God is and who we are. This causes confusion and heartache.

Today, as I think of my dad and my role in life as a father, I also think of friends and clients I have had the privilege to counsel over the last several years. I think of some who have lost their fathers in death. Others have been hurt deeply by physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse by their fathers. Some have fathers who abandoned them before they were born or shortly thereafter. Many have decent relationships with their fathers, but long for much more.
To My Dad:  I love you. I am grateful for all you did to care for, provide for, and protect me when I was young. I am blessed by and thankful for our current friendship.

To Fathers: Your voice and presence matters in the life of your children. Strive to tell the truth about God's self-sacrificial love, faithfulness, and compassion (the list could go on) to your children by how you talk to and treat them. Tell the truth about your child's value and dignity by how you affirm them and make time for them. We fathers will all fall short, but lets strive to trust the Father to empower us, use our best efforts, and protect our children in our failures.
To Children (young and old): If your father is a gift in your life, praise God. If your father has hurt you deeply, I am so sorry. I know the pain can be overwhelming, and the lies you learned can seem so true. If you have never truly known the love of an earthly father or if that love was taken far too early, I am deeply sorry. If I know you, know that I am thinking of you today and praying that God be with you as you feel the ache and longing for a strong presence where there is nothing but absence. May our Heavenly Father be near to you today. The gut-wrenching longing will remain, but may the fatherhood of God be comfort and peace to you today and always (Ps. 68:5).

If someone I barely know tells me I am valuable, it would encourage me some. If they tell me I am good-for-nothing, it would upset me some. But if my dad tells me I am valuable and loved, I would be on cloud nine. And if my dad tells me I am good-for-nothing, it would all but destroy me. Remember, those things which have the greatest power for good also have the greatest power to destroy.

 Type "most common arguments in marriage" into Google and look at the research. Money is near the top of every "what couples argue about" list. Most of these lists include money, sex, children, in-laws, cleanliness, and a few others. Why is money so often a source of tension? If it is a source of tension in your marriage, what can you do about it?
     
Money is frequently a source of tension, because money means different things to different people. Through study and marriage counseling experience, I have come to believe that money has four primary meanings for different people. Money likely has more than one meaning for you, but for most people one meaning is primary and the others are significantly weaker.

 As I explain these four meanings, pay attention to your gut response. While reading one or two of them, you will likely say, "Yep, that is me." However, a few may make you think, "People like this drive me crazy." Paying attention to your gut response will help you figure out what money primarily means for you.

For some, money means status. If you look up to others who are financially successful or feel yourself comparing your possessions to those of others, money means status for you. When your bank account number begins to decline or your house or car begin to look worn down, you probably feel less important and feel others respect you less.

Money can also mean experience or enjoyment. If you primarily associate more money with more vacations, weekend getaways, and dinners out, money likely means experience for you. Do you believe that people who have more money have more fun? Many who see money as experience view shopping as a fun activity. They enjoy buying for themselves and others.

Maybe you see money primarily as power. You believe that if you have money and possessions, you have control and influence. Some who view money as power are very hesitant to put all their money into a joint account. Moreover, the ability to buy what you want often gives people a powerful feeling.

Does having money in savings make you feel secure, while seeing the number in the bank go down causes you to feel anxious? If money is security, you may feel strongly that having savings prepares you for whatever unexpected expense may come. Most who see money as security prefer low risk investments rather than high-risk and high-reward investments. You may have money to spend, but you would prefer to keep it in savings just in case.

If you were to win $10,000 in a contest, what would you do with it? This is not money that is a part of your budget. You did not expect or plan for this money.  Assume for this exercise that you are not in any debt and that you have a few months worth of expenses in a savings account. What would you do?

• Would you go buy something nice that you have wanted for a while? 
• Would you take a few friends or family members on a vacation?
• Would you express your opinions and suggestions more confidently in your social circles? (Maybe a prize of a million dollars would have been better for this example.)
• Would you put it in the bank and save it, feeling good that you have money to cover any unexpected expenses that may come?

You may answer "yes" to some or all of these questions, but which ones do you feel most passionate and excited about? Which would come to mind immediately after finding out you won the prize? Considering these questions can help you determine which is the primary meaning of money for you.

With four options, it is unlikely that money means the same to you and your spouse. Imagine the possible arguments between a spouse that sees money as experience and a spouse that sees money as security. When one wants to save, the other feels they are being robbed of enjoyment. When one wants to spend on a vacation, the other struggles to enjoy it, because it causes anxiety and insecurity to see the bank account number go down.

If you are aware of what money means to you, you will be able to fight for a more healthy outlook. I am not arguing that money ought to mean the same thing for each person, but extremes tend to be unhealthy when considering these four meanings of money.  For example, it is unhealthy if you save every penny possible, and therefore refuse to spend on those you love. On the other hand, it is unwise if you save very little and spend on flashy purchases. Seek to be aware of how you view money so that you can fight extremes, while pursuing more balance and understanding.

   If you know what money primarily means to your spouse, you will be able to better communicate and make financial decisions together. For example, if you want to bring up the idea of taking a vacation, which communication example below would likely work best with a "money is security" spouse?

• "I would like to take a nice vacation. We need time to get away. Let's go on a nice cruise and take all the kids with us. We can eat the finest of foods and have all sorts of awesome experiences." 
• "I want to talk about beginning to plan a vacation. We have been saving for this purpose, and I feel that a week away would be really good for us. We will make sure to only spend what we have saved for vacations. I love you and think it would be great to get away and spend some time focusing on each other and the kids."

     
A spouse who views money as security may struggle with the idea of taking a nice vacation, but the second way of communicating shows sensitivity and understanding. Communicating in this way would likely help the spouse respond in a more rational and gentle manner.
     
Understanding what money primarily means to oneself and one's spouse has helped many to seek a more healthy balance individually and show love and understanding to one's spouse. I hope it does the same for you!

What does "I love you" mean? Some say it all the time, and others feel weird saying it at all. When you say "I love you," what do you mean? Your answer to that question matters greatly.

When Jesus was asked what the most important commandant is, he responded, “you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’" Love is complex! Your heart, soul, mind, and strength all have the capacity to love. Taking the risk of oversimplification, I believe loving with your heart and soul has to do with your emotions. Loving with your mind has to do with commitment, and loving with your strength has to do with action. This is surely not all it means to love with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength, but I believe it is a good start.
     
We are standing on solid biblical ground to speak of love in this way, because it is clear in the Bible that Jesus loves with commitment, action, and emotion.

Jesus committed to love others. He did not feel like being crucified on a cross and being forsaken by his Father (Mt. 27:46, Lk. 22:42). He promises, ""I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand" (John 10:28). He commits his presence to his people by promising, "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age" (Matthew 28:18). No matter how it feels, Jesus teaches us that love is a commitment.

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By this we know love, that [Jesus] laid down his life for us, ... — 1 John 3:16

Jesus came not to be served, but to serve (Mt. 20:28). He healed the sick and fed the hungry. He ultimately laid down his own life so that others could experience true life. Jesus shows that love is not only commitment, but also action.

Do you believe that? Do you believe that Jesus feels emotion for you? Paul tells the church in Philippi that he yearns for them "with the affection of Christ Jesus" (Phil. 1:8). We also are given the picture of Jesus seeing a crowd of people and feeling compassion for them (Mt. 9:36). Jesus is committed to loving people, loves by serving, and also feels love and affection.

 This is important for at least three reasons.  
 

1. When you look at your spouse, child, or friend, you can tell them "I love you" and know what you mean. You may mean that you are committed to them no matter what, that you plan to show them your love with action, or that you are full of affection for them. You may mean more than one of these at the same time. 
2. Conflict is inevitable in marriage specifically, but also in other relationships. There is hardly anything more powerful than a spouse stopping in the middle of conflict, looking the other in the eyes, and saying, "I love you." You cannot do this if love is only a feeling. You are telling each other in that moment that you are committed to each other no matter what.     
3. As a counselor, I hear people frequently say that they used to love their spouse, but they do not anymore. Sometimes they say they have "fallen out of love." If love were only an emotion, this would be possible. Since love is commitment and action as well, you do not fall out of love. You commit to love. You choose to love. The feelings of love will come and go, but commitment and action is a choice. I believe that as you and I commit to and serve those we love, we will experience more and more feelings of love. 

Let us look at how Jesus loves us. Then, let us love our spouses, our kids, and our friends in this way. Next time you say "I love you," you can know exactly what you mean. Love is a commitment. Love is action. Love is emotion. 

  Think about your best childhood friend. You likely have great memories with this person, and he or she has had a huge influence on your life. Consider the qualities that made this person your best friend. Was is that he was faster, stronger, and better than everyone else? Was it that she was the smartest or best looking? I doubt it. I bet you bonded over common interests, and you felt like you could be yourself around this person without being judged. You took some risks by being vulnerable and your friend did as well. You felt companionship, not competition.

I believe God has been teaching me for a while now that I ought to pursue connection over respect. Said another way, I ought to desire being enjoyed more than I desire being admired. If someone is out to prove that they are worthy of respect, it is difficult to be vulnerable and connect intimately with that person. This is why we must choose to pursue one over the other. You may respect someone with whom you have a deep connection. However, it is difficult to enjoy someone who is out to earn your admiration.
     
Competing is exhausting! I am tired of competing in church by acting like I know more or have more affection for Jesus than I really do. I am tired of competing as a professional by measuring my knowledge, ability, and influence against that of my colleagues. I am tired of competing as a friend by measuring how others perceive me verses how others perceive them. I am tired of seeing mothers compete by measuring their children's intellect, behavior, sleeping patterns, or development against those qualities in others' children.
     
What if, instead of striving for respect, we focus on connection? What if we seek to vulnerably connect in church rather than hoping others will admire how awesome our walk with God is? What if we aim to encourage colleagues rather than seeking to impress them with our work performance? What if friends strive to celebrate each other's joys and mourn each other's sorrows instead of comparing successes and struggles? What if mothers vulnerably and honestly share the joys and struggles of motherhood rather than picking and choosing what to share in order to guard their appearance?
     
Do I want to be respected? Absolutely! But I am finding my desire for connection growing and my need for respect diminishing. I think and hope that is God's work in my life. As this happens, I feel less pressure to impress. I feel that I can be honest instead of exaggerating the good and minimizing my struggles. I am a Christian Counselor, so I sometimes feel I should be past this struggle of finding my value in how I measure up. I am not. That may lose me some respect points, but I bet some of you can relate with that struggle. Something tells me we can connect more in this struggle than we can in our strengths.
     
Let's compete on the court, the field, and the track. I love competition in these arenas. However, with God's help let's seek to enjoy one another in the church, the home, and the community. Throughout the Bible, we see that God is in the business of connecting people to himself and to each other (Gen. 2:18, Pr. 18:24; Jn 15:13-15; 1 Cor. 1:10, 3:3; Eph. 2:14; James 2:23). Let's not allow our desire to be admired get in the way!

 As a Christian counselor, I often tell people that it is okay not to be okay. As I walk with those struggling with depression, difficulties in their marriage, loss, addictions, etc., I encourage them to let themselves be emotionally affected by their pain instead of denying the truth of how they are doing.  I ask them to take off the "I am fine" mask and tell the truth. At the same time, I seek to offer hope and peace in the midst of their suffering.

If your circumstances are pretty good, but you know they will only get worse, you have reason to despair. However, if you are currently suffering, but you are confident your circumstances will improve, you have reason to hope and celebrate. Easter is a reminder that the best is yet to come for those who trust in Christ.

Consider your suffering. Don't avoid it, check out, or lie to yourself. But then, consider that you have been born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus. In Christ, you are headed for an imperishable, undefiled, and unfading inheritance. Maybe your marriage, your health, or the health of a loved one seems to be perishing, defiled, or fading. First, let me say I am really sorry for your pain. I am not trying to put some Jesus band-aid on your pain and tell you to suck it up. I am saying that it really hurts, and it is really alright to grieve. I am also asking you to let Easter be a reminder that in Christ the best is yet to come, which will help you to grieve with hope (1 Thess. 4:13).

So, if you are suffering in a way that even on Easter all you feel is sadness and grief, that is okay. I hope you are with family, friends, and a church body that will grieve with you. On the other hand, no matter how bad your circumstances, it is also okay to celebrate and rejoice as you are able. For you know that you are only moving towards your imperishable, undefiled, and unfading inheritance from here on out!