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Two Signs You Are About To Have An Affair (Adultery - Part 2)

Helping couples fight for their marriages through the excruciating pain of adultery has been one of the greatest privileges of my life. That being said, I would prefer for the affairs to never have happened. There are many signs that you are in danger of having an affair, but I've noticed two that are almost always present and reasonably easy to discern. Please know that I am sharing this to lovingly warn, not to heap guilt and shame on you if you have messed up in the past.

1. Deceit

One lie typically leads to another just before and during an affair. However, know that deceiving is not only telling a bold-faced lie, but it also includes concealing the truth and minimizing the truth. If you answer "yes" to any of the following questions, you are likely flirting with danger.

  • When your spouse asks you what you did today, do you always leave out interactions with him/her?
  • Do you know deep down that you are not being honest with your close friends or church small group? When they ask questions about your life, are you mostly honest while leaving out info about a secretive relationship? 
  • Are you sneaking off for lunch or dinner with a co-worker or friend and hoping that nobody you know will be where you are? 
  • Does your spouse know about some of your co-workers, gym friends, or others friend, but conveniently not know about him/her?
  • Are you lying or concealing the truth to your spouse about where you were, how long you were there, what you were doing, or who was there with you?

Maybe you reason, "I have not told my spouse or friends about a certain friendship, because it not important and nothing has happened." If it is not important, why don't you go ahead and bring it up? When you begin deceiving or withholding info from your spouse and friends, watch out!

2. Anticipation

 Anticipation is a key warning sign that a relationship is becoming inappropriate. If you answer "yes" to any of the following questions, you are likely vulnerable to danger.

  • Do you find yourself anticipating seeing him/her more than you look forward to seeing other friends or co-workers?
  • Do you look forward to being able to walk by his/her desk at work?
  • Do you take the long way to the bathroom or coffee station so that you can see him/her?
  • Do you hope to show up at the gym, daycare center, grocery store, etc. at the same time he/she does?
  • Do you look forward to seeing him/her at your church small group?
  • Do you look forward to the goodbye hug from him/her after the work meeting or church group is over?
  • Do you have an increased focus on what you wear if you think you may see him/her?
  • Do you know what time he/she will be at a certain place, and therefore you adjust your plans to be there too?

If you find yourself looking forward to seeing someone and anticipating when you can bump into him or her again, consider yourself warned!

Of course, there are more warning signs that you are at high risk for getting involved in an extramarital affair. Discontentment in marriage, an out-of-control sexual addiction, feeling isolated and lonely, feeling insecure and craving complements from others, and spiritual apathy are all potential warning signs. That being said, I believe focusing on deceit and anticipation are very helpful, because they are almost always present before an affair and are relatively easy to discern if you take the time to ask yourself honest questions. If you are moving dangerously close to an adulterous relationship, I hope and pray that God would use this short blog post to cause you to stop, make wise and bold decisions, have hard conversations, confess and repent, and pursue your marriage.
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