Six Ways to Help When Your Friend's Marriage Is Wrecked By Adultery (Adultery - Part 6)

  If you have a friend that is going through an affair, you can be a huge help and blessing or a source of further pain and heartache. I want to share with you the type of friend that I hope and pray surrounds those I am counseling through affair recovery. These principles may be broadly applicable, but I am specifically thinking about how to be a good friend to the faithful AND unfaithful spouse that are trying to decide whether to save their marriage or who have already decided to try to rebuild their marriage.

1. DO NOT pressure quick forgiveness.

Forgiveness may take a while. Infidelity causes some of the deepest pain imaginable. It is hard to forgive what you do not understand, and the offended spouse normally does not understand many of the ramifications of his/her spouse’s infidelity for many months. By pressuring your friend to forgive their spouse quickly, you unintentionally minimize the pain your friend is feeling. Do pray for your friend to extend forgiveness. Do ask gently where he/she is in the forgiveness process. Do not expect or pressure quick forgiveness.

2. DO NOT avoid talking about their pain.

Your friends, whether you are primarily friends with the unfaithful or offended spouse, are often thinking about the pain of the affair for months and even years after it is discovered. You may be afraid that they are not feeling the pain today, and by asking them about it you may make them think about it. That is normally not the case. It can be comforting for them to be able to talk about it with a good friend without having to bring it up every time. When you bring it up, it communicates that you understand that what they are going through is big, consuming, and difficult. Bring it up. Pray for them. Pray with them. Ask how they are doing.

3. DO NOT insist that your friends talk about their pain all the time.

Do ask how they are doing, but do not insist that they talk deeply about their pain all the time. Your friends may need a break. Be a friend that can help your friends to rest from the recovery process by laughing, talking about hobbies, and just hanging out. Affair recovery can be exhausting work, and a good friend can be invaluable in providing temporary relief from the emotional exhaustion.

4. DO NOT bash your friend's spouse.

     If you are closest with the spouse that was faithful, do not bash his/her spouse. If your friend is considering or seeking to forgive and rebuild the marriage, you need to be a friend of the marriage. You can listen and empathize with your friend’s pain without bashing his/her spouse. Believe with your friend that God can make his/her spouse a man or woman of integrity. Do not shun your friend’s spouse. Pray for your friend's spouse with your friend.

5. DO serve practically.

You can help your friends in many ways in the months and years after the affair comes to light. They need time and space to pray, read, grieve, and attend counseling. Offer to babysit your friends' children on a regular basis so that they can make time for healing. Assure your friends that you are glad to serve and want nothing in return. Offer to help financially with counseling costs if you are able. Many in affair recovery spend a year or two in counseling, which can be very expensive. If you have access to a beach house, lake house, or other relaxing environment, offer your place so they can get away individually or as a couple. Again, your friends need time and space to process, pray, and have healing conversations. Lastly, ask you friend how you can practically serve them.

6. DO expect your friends to be in the recovery process for several years.

Your friends will likely struggle with feeling like a burden in your friendship, and therefore will be tempted to isolate themselves. My experience counseling through affair recovery and my research on the topic leads me to believe that most marriages take about 18-24 months to substantially recover from an affair. Tell your friends that you know that it can take years to recover, and let them know that you want to walk with them the whole way. Yes, you will get exhausted. Choose to listen, stay engaged, grieve, pray, encourage, and serve. Of course your friends need encouragement, empathy, and practical service during the first few weeks after affair discovery. They also need it after a year, when most of their friends and family expect the marriage to be "back to normal." 
     
Genuine, sacrificial, supportive friends are crucial for rebuilding a marriage that has crumbled due to an affair. Are you willing to be a friend when your friend is hurting, depressed, and fearful and may be that way off and on for years? Will you walk in when many others walk out?